Mind Within the Mind
by illusionist
Summary: COMPLETED: Trinity falls prey to her own mind and doubt of her purpose. She begins to understand the moment that claimed many lives.
1. Lesson 1: Remember

A/N: This fanfic starts pre-matrix and continues post-matrix. It is written as the voice in Trinity's head, speaking her thoughts. Inspiration for this fic was half from BtVS (weirdly) and half from the gut-wrenching rooftop scene of Reloaded. It was completely rather quickly and divided into six parts/lessons. Thanks to ravengirl and acazr for the suggestions. For amazing fanfic, check out _www.constructfic.org_

DISCLAIMER: If I owned them, I'd have gotten to meet Carrie-Anne Moss and would not be here sitting in front of my computer with no life. In other words, I don't.

**Lesson 1: Remember**

_Who am I?_

You wonder who that voice belongs to, the taunting voice searing your brain, permeating your consciousness at lonely times. You think you understand yourself, your purpose and place amid the war but your mind cannot help but express its doubt. Which, consequently speaking, is not a bad thing, is it? Seeing as it is the feeling that brought you here, that provoked the question that drives you, that ultimately set you free. But nothing comes without a price, not even freedom. Ironic, is it not?

You remember being seventeen, being unplugged into a new world, into the _desert of the real _as Morpheus puts it. You were desperate for a belief and you remember drinking it up, taking it all in like a drug, desperately addicted to your so-called purpose of playing the role _resistance fighter_. The crew was different then, Mouse was unknown, still trapped inside the Matrix, living naively through green coding everyday. You remember the two crew members that died in your sight, one of them when you were eighteen, and another one right before Mouse was freed. Do you still know their names? Let me tell you, they were Band and Cyrus, both strong, well-experienced fighters; both toned to tip-top shape.  You remember fighting, sparring with Band in the Dojo for the first time and losing, painfully. You remember going on your first mission alongside Cyrus, the incessant amazement with her speed, her power, her abilities.

_So how did they die?_

You understand that every fighter on board a ship comes with an expiry date. But what determines that date? Was Band not fast enough to outrun that one particular agent, after all attempts before that day were cloaked in success? No, that cannot be true, for agents are victims of the rules of the Matrix, of boundaries that can never be broken nor bent. They were all the same, the same speed, the same strength, the same. Always. Was Cyrus simply distracted that day and failed to notice the abnormal until too late? No, that cannot be the answer either for if they were prone to distraction, they would not have lasted as long as they have already. Do you still know your question?

_So how did they die?_

Perhaps they wanted to.

No, you shake your head. Remember, they were fighters. Remember, fighters don't give up. We never give up.


	2. Lesson 2: You Must Look Before Seeing

A/N: Yeah, I know this is really short, but that's the point. All six parts are finished and will be posted daily/every other day. For amazing fanfiction, visit www.constructfic.org Lesson 2: You must look before you can see 

_Who am I?_

Do you know what you want anymore? Yes, you insist, for you understand the necessities of daily survival. But that is what you need, not what you want.

So you traded up the machine-controlled food chain; from a mere human trapped within an energy pod, receiving programmed electrical impulses to define reality to Trinity, the fighter. Was it really so bad before? Apparently so. Following your awakening and subsequent to your training, you felt alive for the first time in so long, too long. After your first close call within the Matrix at four months unplugged, you realized your reckless want, a raw want, an unquenchable thirst for the chase. That near-death experience touched you somehow, fed your deepening desires and made your feel a new strength, coursing through your very veins. Determination. Resolution. You were strong, and no one could argue otherwise.

_And then she called. _

_And everything changed._


	3. Lesson 3: Belief and Faith

Lesson 3: Belief and Faith 

_Who am I?_

Another day on the job, another new contact to be made, and yet another close call, too close for comfort. Most fighters wake up every morning wondering if today's the day. If today, they'll finally find peace in death. But not you, you who barely had time to construct such thoughts, no, for in the silent aftermath of the Oracle's words your entire mind, your entire being, was consumed by another more pressing question. _Will you see him today? Will today be the day you know his face?_

You resented the Oracle for not revealing more.

_Time passes, blurs, unlike your memory of her words_

Once he was unplugged, you stood away and watched, unsure, from afar, when he opened his eyes, those big pretty eyes. As he progressed further and familiarized himself to the mini-world of the Nebuchadnezzar, so did the fear in your mind. So much louder did the voice sear. Always searing.

_Believe._

Out of nothing, out of an instant, you pulled him back from his death, but only just. Doubt had been surfacing your mind in the moment you saw his closed eyes; his face so innocent, so peaceful in death that you did not want to wake him back into this world of hurt again. But love speaks for itself.

_Who am I?_

_I am Death, here to teach you a few essential lessons before I call._


	4. Lesson 4: Just the One

Lesson 4: Just the one

How many innocents have you shot in order to insure your own selfish survival? And yet you claim to serve a greater cause, after all you fight on behalf of humanity. Of course you do, but they were also goddamn innocents, without a choice. Their only sin was being venerable to the machines, to becoming one of the cold sentient programs. An agent. They just keep on coming, don't they? No matter how many mothers, fathers, or children meet the end of your knife or the kiss of your bullet. You can kill a hundred, a thousand, a thousand thousand and all the enemies of Hell besides, while all they need is for one for them –just the one –sooner or later just to have what they're all waiting for. 

_One good shot._

_You cannot deny the inevitable._


	5. Lesson 5: There is no Answer

Lesson 5: There is no Answer 

Ask the right question, always, even if the only person listening is the person asking.

The question is not "_How did they lose?" _No, the question is never _How? _Rather, it is _Why?_

Here lies a distinction, hidden between those two seemingly mundane three-letter words.  

Now that you've found him, everyday you wake up and it's the same condemning question that once haunts everyone but you that whispers to you, in that nasty teasing voice. 

_Is today the day I die?_

Death is at your heels Trinity, and eventually, it will catch you.

_And you will let it._

_Why_ you ask. Well let me explain the concept. A part of you wants it, wants that fatal shot not to miss, wants that rock you jump over easily to be bigger, wants the end. You want it not only to stop the constant fear and uncertainty, but because you're just simply _in love_ with it.

_You want it._

You may be fighting for the good and freedom of humanity but your power is born rooted in darkness. You know this. Subconsciously you know its there. 

_You must feel it. Feel it. Feel._

Death is your art, killer. You make it with your hands, day after day, breath after breath. For so long now, have you fought against it, twisted against the snare of its ropes and slashed past the its disguise worn of flesh. Yet have you never wondered what is it you are truly fight for? Have you never sought to taste, just for a moment, its allure, its calling? 

Do you honestly believe you are fighting for something other than unfulfilled desire?

_Bare, naked, exposed, your mind lies._

Do not lie to me. 

_Killer._


	6. Lesson 6: There is no Question

Lesson 6: There is no Question 

That final gasp. That look of serene peace. A part of you is desperate to know _What is it like? Where does it lead you?_ So you see, that's the secret, the answer to the impossible question, the inevitable cause. It was never the punch they didn't throw or the kick they didn't land. No, it was their own minds letting themselves want it, like you will, for just one moment, one instant, then _Slam, _gone. 

_Everything fighter… has a death wish._

The only reason you've lasted as long as you have is through your ties, you are bound to existence through those ties. _What are they? _you ask. They are your crew, your lost crew of friends, dead now, but never forgotten. For the mind does not forget, it merely does not always remember. You had your obsession with the Prophecy, an obsession that threatened to rival that or Morpheus' for it was the question that drove you, for it concerned Neo, the One, who was then, only a faceless vision in your head. Most influentially, you had you thirst for the chase that has not ended. Yet. 

And what do you have now?

_Who am I?_

_I am the voice of your Death _

_waiting upon you,_

_disguised as your shadow_

_even without light._

_I only hope you enjoy it as much as they did._

Here endeth the lesson. 


End file.
